Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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