Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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