if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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