goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
