I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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