he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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