note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize