Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
