Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
