Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize