Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
