I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
