Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize