the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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