I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
