the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
