he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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