Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
