Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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