He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
