Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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