a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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