During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
