dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
