I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
third nipple confirmed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
