I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize