At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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