I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
