Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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