My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
