I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
