Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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