I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
