Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
