I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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