He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
