i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
