i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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