Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
