but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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