You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
