You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
