remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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