apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
