he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
