Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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