I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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