Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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