The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
