my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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