he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
