i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
