It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
