Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize