mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
