listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
