you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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