Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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