i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
