I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
