dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
