I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
