I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
