Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
